What is your resolution right now?

I love this time of year - you speed up just to slow down for those few days over Christmas that, with any luck, are like a deep resting sigh. The time to connect with people that are important to you shouldn't need an over-commercialized holiday but any excuse will do. It can be a season of stress and charged emotion or peace and reflection - or all of the above. I think we need it. The contrast is maybe why we have such a keen eye for betterment for a new year. The chance to wipe the slate clean is appealing. Amidst our victories in a year of life in this busy place we all have things we might have done differently. So while I am part of the bandwagon of resolution jumpers, this year as I read through the intentions of others I wondered how many would actually accomplish what they set out to do and how many would re-gift these resolutions into 2012 and beyond.

The popular themes outside of losing weight, becoming more fit, quitting a bad habit were things like ... becoming a better person/friend/father/mother/partner etc., giving more to others, learning something new. In a year where it seems so many are finding difficulty finding and keeping connections with others - a lot of resolutions are around increasing the quality of our interpersonal relationships. Life is too fast, we are too superficial, impatient, and ego-centric and we don't know how to communicate. We pick up cues and miscues from texting and social networking but nobody really talks anymore. Hours on the phone with a friend are replaced with facebook banter and maybe online chat. We're totally missing the boat and yet we wonder why we know a lot of people but don't have a lot of close friendships that have any depth or why so many people have become serial daters online and off, desperately seeking a fulfilling connection but never really finding anything that gels for any length of time without an abundance of drama and the residue of disappointment and pain.

I think that like our entertainment, much of our skills in getting to know people and actually building relationships is based on emotional immaturity. We seek the high... the butterflies and heartbeat of newness that while based purely on innate chemical reactions dies within weeks or months if people don't put effort in to keep recreating those chemicals. And there are ways, it's just we're too lazy to do them for the most part. We live in a 'go with the flow' kind of mentality. Which works when you're dealing with acute stressors or circumstances beyond your control. Beyond inevitabilities, go with the flow takes the lowest common denominators all in the same direction...downstream. And that's where so many people now live - downstream with all the others, swimming in circles from one to another, mute, barely conscious, never progressing or evolving, subdued in a state of ordinary dissatisfaction.

yuck!!! yuck yuck yuck. It boggles me. So many stories that I hear from so many people and the theme is the same. We're all looking for the same things and yet we're so glazed over in seeking some utopian fantasy that we mask as being ambition and striving for better is really just repetition of what we're comfortably numb but never fulfilled with. In our yearnings for what we think we want, those that bounce loudspeaker themselves as truly not knowing either who they are or what they want at any age. There is heartache and restlessness. And so they make resolutions.

They say "This year... I am going to make more money, have more career success, quit smoking and drinking, exercise everyday, spend more time with loved ones, meet new people and have a better marriage/relationship, be a better parent... I am going to..." And what I want to know in these resolutions is not what you are going to do this year and all the great things you are going to accomplish or achieve. I want to know what you are going to do ... right now. Because I think that people are so busy dipping into their pasts with temptations of what they've always known or looking so far ahead, that there is a vast majority of us that are missing the only thing that we really have. This moment.

Your past only served to bring you to this moment. You were supposed to learn a bunch of stuff along the way and the pain that you had was there to stretch you and grow you out of that place, to this place, where ideally you would learn those lessons and your resolve would be to do things differently. No matter how anchored we are to our pasts and those people in it, no matter how much easier it is to exist in our downstream cesspool of what we know - we are supposed to change. If we don't ever find the courage and strength to be uncomfortable, using our frontal lobes in all their glory to try something different and new that has a better chance of bringing us what truly will make us happy...then we deserve the tepidness of our existence.

It is important to have goals and to hope and dream and plan for your future. To not do so would be foolish. But to be so forward focused and extreme means that when life changes course without your permission you won't be flexible enough to adjust with it nor will you see the beauty of everything that is already in your life. I believe that everyone we have in our lives today is there for a reason. By choice or by chance there is something that we can learn from them, and them from us and a purpose for our jobs, our friendships, our families and relationships that we need to focus on today. I also think that it is far too easy to look forward or back or over the tops of all these things and miss their value entirely. "If I can just make it until..." "Once I finish this then...." If... then... you silly goats. No if/thens. We take what we have right in this moment for granted too easily - individually and as a society. We have forgotten how to stop, and see people not just as their idiosyncracies or labels or what they can do for us, but as whole people. Beautiful people.

I think there is an essence of someone - like a whiff of perfume - that we pick up on intuitively when we meet someone for the first time. And we are either drawn to or repelled from them. We breathe it in and when there is something intriguing in there - usually something new or different that our gut senses is good for us - we take steps to get to know that person more. And if this magical dance of breathing in and out without judgment would continue for longer I think the appreciation and grace we would have for each other would be profound. What I think happens instead is that we get to know them and as the layers are peeled away and our raw humman-ness is revealed we tend to be deconstructed, analyzed, and categorized. The magic of that first essence completely robbed. We think too much and breathe too little, decide they aren't what we want, we were mistaken and move onto the next. We don't have best friends for life as often - we have best friends and relationships based on conditions and misunderstood chemicals rather than genuine connections, foundations of honesty, and the ability to stretch ourselves to be vulnerable and uncomfortable and take risks to get to those levels of emotional intimacy that yield relationships of substance and stability.

How many people do you know that you can call in the middle of the night and talk to about anything? How many relationships have you had where you could sit across from each other without the tv on... talking - and not just talking but talking about anything - uncomfortable things, ugly things, lies, truths, things you don't agree on. Those things make new chemicals that bond you with another person. That trust that is built by being totally accepted by another person is so rare. We all want it but we're all too afraid or lazy to put the effort in to get it. We don't want to work for anything too much because we're consumed with keeping score and we're terrified of rejection and yet we all crave to feel like someone really sees us, gets us, in our entirety, and still can love us. It is the quest above all quests and the only reason we are here. It is the only reason we are here. To think all the other shit matters is just a good distraction.

If you want more friends - real friends that have your back, aren't two-faced, and don't like you for any ulterior motive...what are you doing in this moment to be a friend worthy of that. To give without keeping score, to give more than what you receive even? How unselfish can you be in this moment with your friends? Treat others how you want to be treated...don't expect them to do for you what you do for them, but put it out there without expectation. It's amazing what happens.

The best thing in my life is an abundance of love. I am surrounded by it, covered in it, bubbling over with it. Younger and more selfish, a decade ago, there wasn't as much there. I had to learn to give it like a gift even if it meant the gift would be tossed out or thrown back at me. Something really counts if you do it even if you're going to get hurt. There's always more where that came from and I'm definitely not going to run out. If all my life is, is to struggle and then succeed and struggle some more and then succeed and do this chugging along just to get to survive this level and then make it to the next level for money, career, status or stuff then it's the biggest waste of potential I can imagine. It's scary to love, it hurts to love sometimes, it's the biggest risk I ever take...but I never regret it because in this moment it might make a difference in someone's life and heart even if it's just a seed. It matters less that sometimes my kids throw it back at me, or my friends didn't accept it, or a boyfriend gave it back...it only mattered that I gave it really.


My biggest reflections flooded this week in these words. Don't settle for less from anyone else but more importantly, stop settling for less in yourself. Be bold and courageous with your heart. Be a quality person, searching yourself for depth and seek meaningful conversations with others over the superficial and fickle. Know thyself in all things but don't accept the labels and limitations you have excused yourself with... we have all become a certain way...to say we can't change is an insult to our own potential. Everyone in your life is there for a reason - but not everyone you need to keep close. Sift through them and place separate those that inspire, encourage, and challenge you to be a better person. Keep the ones that are positive and supportive, accepting, humble and kind. Toss out those that feel like old patterns you call home...complacency and stagnation and the inability to choose new, healthier patterns in life will keep you stuck while others swim past you.

Avoid people who go so much with ambivalent flow that you are unimportant and without impact in their lives. If someone can take you or leave you, they need to go. Surround yourself with people that see you, get you, embrace you, encourage you, long for you and sometimes disagree with you. Why live such a luke warm existence where people don't care if you're there or you're not? Sometimes we need to fight for people - you fight to keep better people in your life. Spend time with people consciously - don't kill time with people by default, it's insulting to both of you. Be the flow...direct the flow...don't just lie down and get swept away by it.

You get out what you put in. The things you seek...be those things to others and I think those things will come to you. With work, family, and significant relationships...put in the effort. It doesn't mean it's hard, it just means you care enough to pour something into it to make it grow - otherwise it dies...not because it wasn't good or couldn't have been great, but because no one cared enough to feed it. There are lots of things we can do half-assed...I don't think how we treat one another and how we love are supposed to be included in that. Be quick to forgive for those that screw up. We all do it, we're all human, fumbling through and trying to find our way - have grace for people for we are all fighting our own battles. Then too, be quick to apologize and make right your wrongs - do it with meaning, heart, and intention so that it is genuine and authentic. It will set you apart to be that humble. Judge less, assume less... especially with communication that isn't in person - are we so ridiculously insecure and naive that we think that we can assume anything over text or facebook or twitter - those are just games to occupy time and keep us superficially connected and amused. In your face, touching another person, in their eyes is the only place you'll know the truth and the only place you have any right to make conclusions. Smarten up, there's far too many immature, blinded, gossip-ridden, backstabbers in our midst - find quality people that are authentic and choose to develop those connections to richness - it'll be one of the best moments of defined intention you can do today...and this year.

Give 100% minimum to what you value and is important to you - anything less means you risk losing and don't deserve it in the first place. Live passionately. Remember that all you have is what you have right now and gratitude for that abundance is in this moment. What are you missing by being ashamed, regretful, afraid, guarded, cautious or timid. This life is meant to be lived out loud, boldly, with courage, with love. Everything else only fills our ego for a short time...the bigger the ego, the more vacant the soul. You don't protect yourself by guarding yourself across the board - you hurt yourself by not allowing yourself to be open to the right things and the right people at the right time. It's a decision - everything begins with a choice. It's not about getting hurt less - we all recover from our hurts, it's about living without regret knowing you took every chance just to see. Everything is an experiment, everything is information... take it in, try it out. It is foolishness to walk around with a shield around you - it is wisdom in knowing who the right people to trust and open up to are. It's not about what you're getting or achieving in this life, it's the mark you leave by giving in this life when you have nothing to gain from it.

I think that choosing to live better, bigger and brighter every day in the moments of today will attract all the other 'things' we put on our list. How big of an imprint do you want to have in this life. The gift of time is a bit of a joke...life is short and unpredictable and distracting. We think we have so much time and if we realized we really only have a guarantee with this moment, maybe the focus on our lens would shift?

My gratitude is huge. My heart overflows. I want my imprint and my impact to be worthy of the gift I have in this life. There's lots I want to "accomplish" for 2011 like everyone else but my resolutions for this moment are way more challenging for me, and things no one else might ever notice and yet I will because it will cause movement and change in the direction that I need.

Reflection is good, resolutions in this moment can be life changing... beats all the other ordinary ones that might not get checked off anyway.