and sometimes out of nowhere...

you fall into a good day. Probably if you were to track it you'd see a pattern - you ate differently, you did something different or learned something new, or you nourished your self in some way. Or maybe not, maybe it's cumulative influences that just pop one day. Today is one of those days and not just for me. It certainly could be magnetic or planetary or just the sun. Who cares, I'll take it!

I had a crazy week that had its ups and downs but the end I can see everything in a positive light. I finally got the truth I was waiting for from someone that needed to be real with me. Waiting for it left me feeling bored, disrespected, undervalued...but once I was able to receive it and then let it flow I was grateful for not having any more time wasted on something that seemingly has no future. When someone makes an exit from your life for whatever reason, but particularly for things that you cannot change or control, you know that it's making space for the next thing that will be able to give more. So it all works out and I'm appreciative for anyone that looks at this amazing life of mine and says... you know... it's not for me before anyone gets hurt. That they know themselves well enough to know they aren't up for this is golden to me. We deserve the best, someone that wants a life this rich and someone that has a mind open enough to see that though it's not what they might have imagined, it might actually be even better. We have such immense room to love someone in this family - it can be overwhelming to conceive and yet I wouldn't have it any other way. Not one of us is boring or without dynamic personality, we are beautiful so incredibly beautiful from our hearts outward that I know we are not a burden to anyone and there is room, not need, but room for the right one to come in and have his life turned upside down and blown away. It's an amazing adventure of love, laughter, excitement, travel, exploration and depth that I can't wait to share with someone with the same enthusiasm and passion, resiliency and honesty that we have. It's gonna be cool.

I went from a place of being bored and missing someone that I thought I had met that had changed somehow to refreshing my friendships, being bold with people in love, and ending this week with hours of giggling. Hours of giggling with people I cherish and love and am blessed to be well received with warm hugs and cuddles and pure acceptance.

I made the decision to forgive someone - not for his sake, but because forgiveness is always the right choice. Always. Make peace with one another - it's part of honouring one another and then honour yourself by setting healthy boundaries. It is good.

I'm sad that my tenant is leaving, worried I don't have another and have mortgage to pay in 2 days. But have extended grace to him because of his honesty and humility in how he has presented himself. Everyone goes through shit - everyone. And it's hard and it changes you and you can crawl into a cave and try to learn how to deal with it and never really learn how to be resilient and connected all at the same time for your storms or you can be humble and dig in and share your truth and hope for mercy. He is going through shit - shit I have been through - and doing the best he can. I can not in my selfishness be incensed about it. I can extend grace and kindness in return. The lesson of being through a lot of shit - serious shit, life threatening shit, heart wrenching shit, and coming out and through and still being able to maintain connection is that I have a better heart for others. Even though I struggle with the hermitizing of others, I understand it because that is within me as well. I had to face fear and just choose to react differently so that I could still honour the people I'm blessed to know in the midst of my garbage. So somehow this will work out and things will be fine and believing that and feeling good about how I'm treating people wins out over money in the end.

This week I learned to choose and how much better it feels to choose differently than I have in the past. In the past I would respond with shields, defensiveness, retreat. It's so easy for me to do that and alienate myself and others. So easy. I decided to try something new. I dug in and grit my teeth and chose to be available, out there, honest with what I needed from people, bold. It is vulnerable, I feel like a puppy out in the world that jumps at every loud noise and just wants to drink warm milk and cuddle (oh a full belly and a good cuddle....), but I like what that looks like for personal growth better than I like the safety of my walls and defences. So I'm going with it because it's honest, authentic, and stronger and will grow me into some big girl panties of character that I long to fill. I am not satisfied ever with my own passive tendencies to cope - I long, every day, really every day, to grow and stretch and become even better. I hate being stagnant, I hate thinking this is just the way I am and using that as an excuse to be comfortable, safe, and the worst of all disenchanted without passion. Gawd. To me that is a gross existence that served me in my 20s and is icky to me now. It's easy to challenge myself physically. I can be incredibly disciplined with my food and my exercise and my work and easily neglect the inner work that we all are called to do and often are the laziest at. So while I push myself physically more and see amazing results, I decided to do the same emotionally as well because I think the hard heart work will show even more remarkable results.

So the answer for me is not to give less or think less or feel less. In the things I've been criticized for as doing too much of, the answer is not to pull back and do less. The answer is to keep pushing and giving more - reciprocity - what I put in I will get out...eventually. I love that I give, think, and feel a full range- I choose to continue to do so because then I know at least I am conscious in my living and my love is an active choice. I love that because isn't that really how we all want to be loved? Consciously, active, chosen. Not ... I've fallen in love with you... but really "I choose to love you...fully, consciously, without judgment - the whole is more beautiful than the sum of its parts and I choose you...deliberately". Yes. That is how I choose to love.

The answer is more in reconnecting to my gut instincts and my intuition, being a better listener to my inner voice and being more selective as to who and how much. To commit to give to those that relish and appreciate it and to whom that energy makes a difference to. The worst thing for me is to enter someone's life for whatever reason - and there is always a reason - and then to have them leave it unchanged by knowing me. I can't stand that - that keeps me up at night. I need to know that I am there to affect someone, with something, somehow and that time is not wasted. To have the intuition to know who will receive what I have to offer and give and that it will impact them in a very real and tangible and profound way is essential. It's how I live without regrets. The only regrets I really have are when I have not exercised wisdom in my selections and that person has been unaffected, continuing to live their life as before with no imprint of my presence. It's less about egomania I assure you...it's more about having purpose and living a life that isn't generic and disposable to others.

So it's a beautiful day. I was told I was beautiful, brilliant, adorable and totally delightful this week and I hold those affirmations in my heart today. I ran my dog in the sun and he galloped and smiled the whole way in gratitude. That's the imprint I want to have on people. I can't force it or make it so but I can choose to live in ways that give me a better chance at doing that. And in the meantime I can enjoy a day as lovely as today in all ways that came just out of nowhere.

<3